Random Thoughts

"I'm looking for love, real love – ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-kind-of-love.”

 That is my favorite line from Sex and the City. Brilliant.

Here is the thing: I once had a “BIG” in my life.  He was JUST like BIG – completely addictive.  I mean, I couldn’t get enough of this guy.  I was the only one, as he put it, who was able to enter his bubble – or so I thought. The love was intense, but every so often, I would get pushed out.  It seemed like a challenge at first, but the emotional roller coaster ride got too “exhilarating.”  Sounds familiar?  I felt out of breath or simply, distorted.  But every second, I laid myself completely out there - open, naked, vulnerable.  What can I say, I gave everything that I am.

Yup, I got burned at the end.  Maybe he was smart to build walls for that same reason.  But maybe, just maybe, he was chicken shit.  And maybe, I am just not built that way – I want to live it all.  No reservations.  Some say I was foolish or that I didn't know how to protect myself – “be more selfish,” they say.  But I have to disagree.  Being careful whom to fall for is one thing.  But loving without a discount tag is another.  

Love really amplifies our emotions – everything, good or bad, is heightened it seems.  And the more intensity I experience, the more alive I feel.  Looking back, I loved so passionately, felt so deeply, gained new senses, lost "so-I-thought-everything" - but at the end, I have grown.  I never felt more real and honest with my heart. Fragility is a beautiful thing, I tell you.  It’s a risky thing, but definitely worth risking.  To love so freely feels dangerous, but amazing.  No dotted lines in the middle - love can never feel more authentic.

So yes, my love is raw.  No regrets.